These are the lyrics of a hymn from Singing the Journey, “When I Am Frightened” written by Shelly Jackson Denham.
When I am frightened, will you reassure me? When I’m uncertain will you hold my hand? Will you be strong for me? Sing to me quietly? Will you share some of your stories with me? If you show me compassion, then I may learn to care as you do. Then I may learn to care.
When I am angry, will you still embrace me? When I am thoughtless, will you understand? Will you believe in me, stand by me willingly? Will you share some of your questions with me? If you show me acceptance, then I may learn to give as you do, then I may learn to give.
When I am troubled, will you listen to me? WhenI am lonely, will you be my friend? Will you be there for me? Comfort me tenderly? Will you share some of your feelings with me? If you will show me commitment, then I may learn to love as you do. Then I may learn to love.
These lyrics express our religious response to life’s difficulties. We don’t, as a collective, place our faith in one divinely inspired book or in a set of doctrines. Our religious approach demonstrates faith in the value of learning together in a shared religious journey.
I’ve encountered similar values, in various schools of psychology and especially when working in Peer Support Communities. I hope talking about counseling will clarify and illuminate how and why our religious tradition works.
My training encouraged me to listen beneath the literal meaning of words; to listen to tone of voice, body language, to try to guess what feelings, needs and requests are being expressed. Let’s take for example a person saying “why?!” in response to an experience of loss. If we hear the word “why” as a request for information, we ignore the person’s poignant expression of grief.
People have a need to be known for what they are experiencing. They might be saying: “I’m hurting and unhappy! I don’t like this at all! I don’t want this to be.”
How to respond? I believe in the value of empathy. Empathy is the most common ingredient of effective therapists and counselors regardless of methodology. When I say empathy, I’m referring to a form of compassion where we create a space inside ourselves that enables us to receive the fullness of what another is sharing.
Compassion comes from two latin words meaning “with” and suffering.” Empathy requires an intention and ability to connect deeply with what someone is experiencing, to listen for what matters deeply to them. It’s receiving their trust and sharing as precious gifts!
Many common reactions to expressed pain prevent empathy and deeper connection. When we share vulnerably, how do we want to be received? When someone shares vulnerably with us, do we say or imply that they shouldn’t feel the way they do? Do we tell them how they should feel about what happened? Do we say “well at least you didn’t” (something worse happen!” Must we urgently attempt to make them feel better? Are we quick with advice? Do we relate as if we are the authority on their experience? Do we suggest what they should have done to avoid what happened?
Reading this list, I chuckled. For me the answer is Yes! It’s humbling how often I have reacted and not provided empathy and a quality of connection!
What enables empathy and deeper connection? Humility, recognizing that they each person is their own expert on what they want.
The intention to be a caring witness. When we trust the value of companionship, it becomes easier for us to remain calm and non-reactive. Our presence can be an antidote to isolation and alienation which increase suffering.
Since our culture trained us to compete, we may have the habit of asserting our worth, our status or authority. We often relate as superiors or subordinates. We can learn to put this aside. Learning together opens up wonderful possibilities. When we can bring our humanity and connect to the humanity of another soul, spirituality is experienced.
UUs covenant to journey together and learn together. We embrace the vastness of our not knowing. We hold as sacred each person’s power to determine the meaning of their experience! Trust is earned and it can grow!
Many religious traditions require adherence to a creed, adoption of orthodoxy, or doctrines purported to be “correct.” Religious authorities often speak with certainty of the absolute truth of the tradition’s teachings about G*d and the human condition. Followers are expected to adhere to doctrines and traditions.
In UU culture, we try different things. We reflect and discuss.
Religious traditions provide ways to understand and respond to human mortality. We don’t know what happens to us after we die. The perception that death as the end of us or the end of those we love stimulates great grief, pain and suffering.
Religious traditions provide a salve for this wound. Many religious traditions claim to possess a divine revelation, an explanation of why we live and die. Each tradition offers a proprietary prescription to reduce or overcome the pain, a way to make sense of things that can be difficult to accept. Religion offers ways to mitigate the fear and anxiety that arises in response to events that are difficult for us to understand and accept.
UU tradition is no exception. Our history includes theology, ideas and stories we have shared about G*d, life and death. Let’s take a quick foray into the doctrine of universal salvation. This teaching states that God is loving and powerful. It rejects the idea that God will condemn anyone to eternal suffering. Universalists said that divine love will ultimately be irresistible, that all will come to salvation, reconciliation with our Creator.
Although this doctrine is not preached as often or in the same way as it was 100 or 200 years ago, it continues as a strong influence upon who we are today. However, belief in this doctrine is not required for membership in a UU congregation.
We treat religious writings as literature, poetry rather than an absolute truth. Religious humanism and respect for nature influences us. We promote respect for the web of existence of which we are a part. Our liturgies promote seeing ourselves as part of a larger narrative. We draw on these influences and worldviews creatively. We affirm the sacredness of life and accept that death is inarguably part of the human condition. Even if we agree to these statements, having them read at a memorial might not elicit the same quality of peace as would the 23rd Psalm.
What then is our UU prescription for treating the insecurity that often arises when facing uncertainty, and especially when death approaches or in its wake? When life does not conform to our ideas of how we want it to be, we grieve. We grieve, we share concerns as well as joys with companions who respect and care for us. The love that grows from our ministry and from our religious community helps us to take the fragmented pieces of our lives and put them together in meaningful ways. We acknowledge culture’s influence upon us. We also affirm the power that each of us has, to tell our own stories, to build our own theologies, to recognize the lens through which we view our experiences.
Together we create a counterculture that welcomes and affirms us all. We have a shared ministry that helps us experience a deep sense of connection.
I’ve done a disservice by speaking as if uncertainty, not knowing, not being able to predict the future always leads to fear and suffering. It does not.
At any given moment, there are infinite possibilities and truths that we cannot know, cannot completely understand and cannot control. And this is not a bad thing! It is a blessing! Most of the time we have no problem regarding the trillions of things that are unknown to us.
Attend one of Donnie Bunch’s Star Parties. What he tells, and the sky itself will lead you to awe! As UUs we celebrate the wonder and the glory of life as so much greater than any of our maps or stories about it. We affirm that revelation continues. We celebrate our ability to learn.
It’s only when life refuses to match our plans, our stories, the fragile way we have made sense of our existence- that not knowing becomes an issue.
When we are hurt or afraid, UU way of life tells us to act on the knowledge that we are part of something larger. There is more love, more truth more learning to come. Our congregation teaches us to reach out for help, for comfort and witness to grief and joy. It tells us to remember that our fellow sojourners also have needs, joy and sorrow. It reminds us to be of service to others. And in this way, we weave our lives into something beautiful!
Each of us has a story. Each of us has flaws and shortcomings. Each of us has so much to learn!
The good news is that we love to learn. Joy and love are birthrights, and we choose to learn to bring them into our lives more fully.
On a YouTube channel called ‘Big Think Clips,” astronomer and researcher Michelle Thaller says: “you have to have this humility and remind yourself that it’s possible that the human brain is just as far away from perceiving the way the Universe really is, as a grasshopper is from perceiving quantum mechanics. We are not some be all and end all of perception. The universe was not designed, not built to be comprehensible to the human mind. We only see a little bit of it through the filter of what our minds can ingest and how they do it.”
Here at UUCHC we don’t claim to have possession of absolute truth. We embrace not knowing, not as a curse but as part of the fantastic reality of our existence.
When I was a child learning Jewish tradition, there were many wonderful prayers and psalms. So often they contained this phrase “Baruch atah Adonai.” That’s how you knew it was a prayer. It began: Baruch atah Adonoi. Blessed art thou Adonai.
Adonai is the word for Lord. Later I found out that we said the word Adonai every instance in the Torah where was written yud hey vav hey. Yud Hey Vav hey was said to be the actual name of G*d. I was told that we didn’t say it because when we give something a name we make it an object, we kind of claim dominion over it. I was told that we didn’t have domionion over G*d, G*d had dominion over us. I said Blessed art thou Adonai so many times it registered in my mind as if Adonai was G*d’s name. Adonai, Adonai, Adonai.
As a UU I found another way to address the Ultimate Reality. In addition to Adonai, Adonai, Adonai, I now say “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. Blessed are you, that I don’t know.”
Our not knowing can lead us to greater love. We may think we know our friends and family. We may think we know ourselves. We think we know who we are. And in a way we do, but what if each of us is part of this Great Mystery. What if each of us is so much greater than any of the stories that have been told about us?!
Maybe then we could sing to the one beyond comprehension. We could sing to others and sing to ourselves. (sings)“getting to know you.”
Would that be so bad? What if instead of pretending we had it all figured out, we decided to see what was possible? We can affirm that we are part of this Great Mystery, and live into it.
Amen. Ashe! Let it be!
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