November 6th, 2017 my bicycle and I were struck by a ½ ton Dodge Ram. The extent of the damage was great. Almost six years later, I stand before the congregation I serve as minister.
Three years ago, Linda Smith reached out and asked me to be guest Minister via Zoom. This congregation was very patient and accepting of what was more obvious speech impairment. In the past six years, my disabilities have gone from glaring to mostly invisible.
When I first gave this sermon I joked about growing up with a Jersey accent and more recently acquiring a brain injury accent. Today each is likely to make itself known upon occasion.
Given that we have many new members and friends, Linda requested that I again shared “The Three Medicines.” It’s the story of my early experiences and how I recovered. Thank you for coming to hear it.
My brother Michael had invited me to participate in the final kayak expedition for his book. I texted him my ETA at his home: 9pm.
When my housemate came home at 6, he saw my car in the driveway, and found my cell phone inside charging. He assumed I had gone out on my bicycle and that I would be back soon.
A few days later, I regained consciousness in the hospital Intensive care unit. I woke gently as if from a night’s sleep. Looking down I saw my badly broken body. I ached all over.
I remembered setting out on my bike. I knew I didn’t reach my destination. I put two and two together.
Surprisingly I felt calm. Something seemed strange. Was this a movie or a dream? It seemed as if I was in another realm. There was a peculiar silence about me. I realized that I wasn’t to speak. I figured that the condition was a result of the accident, and would soon wear off. My acceptance wore off more quickly. I needed to let my brother and others know where I was. I wanted to scream “I need to tell you something!” Staff understood only that I was “agitated.”
My relief was great when my brother appeared in my room. Tears were tears in his eyes and mine. The relief was short-lived. He began chatting up the nurses. I was annoyed and frustrated at my inability to speak. His sound of his voice, the volume literally hurt my head. I was relieved for the return of quiet when he left.
I soon managed some communication with staff by making sounds and gestures. Then I spoke some garbled words. I slept a lot, and could tell that my condition was improving.
My brother’s next visit went better. He says that my first word was “food!”
From my room, I could see only another building with a bright neon sign. I couldn’t see the sky or ground. Dark and light cycled like time lapse photography. I couldn’t tell how many days went by. I left my room only once. The trip to the OR went down windowless hallways. I was lost in space.
Disconnected from nature, blurry headed from my trauma and drugs, I started seeing fantastic images. Have you ever started dreaming right before you fell asleep? It was something like that. The scene I viewed was so interesting and seemed so real. Each time I opened my eyes, the images were gone. Other times with open eyes, I saw floating electrons, and orbs of light. Fortunately, weird doesn’t faze me! I was curious and amused by these altered states.
Noises were more troubling. Beeps, alarms, voices that hurt my head. Doctors and nurses kept talking about me seemingly just outside my room. Public service announcements and advertisement on the PA system seemed
to be written for me personally. Had I fallen into a scene from Alice in Wonderland?
I assumed that my condition was the result of my accident, and would pass.
A speech specialist visited me. She told me that I would get better but it would take a long time. She said that singing would help me recover my speech. She asked if I could sing “twinkle twinkle little star.” To my disbelief, I couldn’t recall the tune! I did a little better with “Happy Birthday.” For the next month I asked everyone I could to sing
with me.
Someone brought me a “letter board.” No success. Writing on paper didn’t go much better. I was still thinking big words and long complex sentences. I couldn’t hold my thoughts long enough to get them written.
My attempts to communicate my needs with staff were at best partially successful. Sometimes their attempts to help caused me pain.
Inaudible to every else, was a cry, my infant voice saying “No more! I can’t take any more!” My actual expression was cranky and complaining. I feared alienating my helpers. I knew that if I didn’t make a change, things would not go well for me.
Fortunately help was on the way. My former partner Huyen from San Antonio contacted the Gainesville Florida Vegan meetup and requested that someone bring me healthy food. The woman she reached happened to be a student in NVC classes I taught. Joyce showed up with miso, vegetables and vegan goodies. This was manna from heaven. Her visit was
an island of joy in a sea of struggle.
That night I was again writhing in pain. I was emotionally and physically fatigued. “I thought: “What have I done?! This is horrible! I’m can’t handle this!” Alone and in despair, I longed for support and imagined there was none to be had. I felt hopelessness overtaking me.
Then I remembered Joyce telling me how Huyen had used the internet to contact her, to advocate and care for me. I remembered that I was loved. I felt warmth, relief and ease in my body. Although still in pain, I could be still. Sleep came quickly.
It had been years since Huyen and I were a couple. She found a wonderful partner, and I knew them to be happy together. I was very moved that it didn’t stop her from expressing her care of me. As a physician, she was
able to advocate for me very effectively.
I had perceived myself as alone in facing terrible pain and loss. A sweeter reality emerged. Cards, word of thousands praying for me reached me from far and wide. Later came direct calls, meals, rides, gifts and contributions that provided me with tangible support.
I had never experienced such love. I became determined to recover. I began thinking, acting and responding more positively and effectively. Staff responded to me with more warmth. Resources fell in my lap.
I was my “It’s a Wonderful Life” moment.
Friends and family rejoiced, most often saying “Thank God that I survived! When my recovery exceeded everyone’s expectations, there was more celebration. And the most common expression was “Thank God!”
Gratitude and awe are wonderful things, and we know many more ways to express it. Mother Nature provides all the reason we need for gratitude. Some of us use the word God to refer to the source of blessing. Some of us do not. Does it matter what we call it when life events blow our mind leading us to give thanks for the gift of life?
Nature is powerful medicine! I marvel at the way nature rallies to protect life. Some of that force of nature was human. I would not be alive were it not for great medical powers. Medical power is based in science, the disciplined accumulation of knowledge of nature. I survived being hit by a truck, and avoided greater permanent damage
because of the proximity of a hospital, because of response by police, EMTs, and top notch surgeons. My recovery was supported by medics; therapists and technicians who gained sophisticated knowledge of nature.
To increase the chances of success in my recovery, I have strived to glean all the information I could about my evolving condition and about resources to support my healing. I’ve advanced my learning about anatomy, physiology, nutrition, natural remedies, mental, emotional and spiritual support for recovery. Revering nature inspires my education.
I was amazed to learn the complexity involved in walking and moving our arms, especially our rotator cuff. I learned how we use our teeth, tongue and structures of the mouth in order to form the sounds we refer to as vowels and consonants.
I received fantastic coaching and instruction, and have made great efforts to regain my strength, health and functioning. Whether we speak of fate, life, nature, chi, energy, spirit, the power of Western medicine and holistic traditions, we are talking about a power greater than little old me. A concept of High Power, power greater than self
does not mean that we aren’t part of it!
I found good reasons for pride and humility. Where would be if my trauma had happened during Covid shutdown? Where would I be, were it not for tremendous privilege, access to vast resources?
I have drawn on many resources trying to increase the chances that nature, chi, life force, spirit or energy would move me toward healing. And yes prayer and meditation have been in my toolbox.
These effect awareness of ourselves in relationship with nature.
Awareness of humans being a strand in the web of life, or our lack of this awareness has profound impact. In recovery I have prayed many times each day celebrating Great Mystery, sacred life force and I say “Thank you for helping me to keep getting better! Affirmation and gratitude for being alive is a wise use of nature.
Telling the story of my hospital stay, I underscored some ways that medicine utilized and some ways it failed to consider connection to nature.
Community is the 2nd great medicine. In truth, community is part of nature. Life only exists in community. Cut off from community, we wither and die. Mentally and spiritually we thrive by our connection to of a community serving and served by life.
During my first days in the hospital I experienced myself as cut off from community, and I suffered. When family, friends, colleagues, peace and justice, ecology and human rights activist communities, UU, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Buddhist, Hindu communities reached out to me, they issued a powerful dose of medicine.
We are not cogs in a machine. It is the quality of connection in community that causes us to thrive. Love is the quality in our connection. Love is medicine.
Love in the form of support helped sustain me through physical and emotional pain. With spirit lifted, I found the stamina needed for hours of daily therapeutic activities; PT, weight lifting, swimming, gentle stretching. I’ve received cranial sacral and other therapies. I’ve participated in a fitness program for people with mental and physical disabilities.
My ability to enjoy exercise and hard work was a great blessing. I actually enjoyed, really enjoyed myself in a full-time effort to recover. At times I cursed, I have experienced despair and depression! Right now I am emphasizing my experience hope and strength. Greater honesty, I have also experienced great isolation and struggled mightily.
My spiritual discipline has led me to choose and say “Yes to life, community, love; Great Mystery, spirit, and energy.
Your witness and support continues to drive me! There are many times in life where we really appreciate people showing up to be with us. Like the first time we go somewhere. Or after the death of a dear one. When we get injured or become ill, when people come to see us, it changes our world! You know this to be true, yes?
Most of us can remember a time when companionship helped us through a difficult time. There are also many times that we probably don’t realize the difference our presence or support makes. Maybe we speak up when someone is being mistreated. We express and show our care in so many ways, and we often don’t realize the good that we have done.
I’ve mentioned a few of the ways that people have been there for me, helping me to heal and recover. I give thanks for doctors, nurses, physical therapists, agencies, advocates, friends, family and this congregation that has helped create miracles for me.
With a little help from my friends, I’ve been getting a little better every week, and I intend to keep that up as long as I can. I stand in humility and awe in the web of life of which we are part, the Great Mystery of unfolding existence. I send out love to all our relations, our ancestors and generations to come. I step into this moment, alive, awake and grateful for new opportunities.
I give thanks for the journey we share together!
Recent Comments